Morgalogue

One of the most enjoyable points of my working day is opening my laptop in the morning and reading through some of the hundreds of raving, obscure junkmails sent to the Energy Forum account, from perverse Spamtrepreneurs from all over the world.

I’ve been pretty lucky over the years – with a fatal sounding e-mail address like nagromksi, it’s normally my mails that get quarantined rather than the other way round. So, maybe you’ve seen all these before but I haven’t so thought I’d give you my Spam Hall of Fame thus far.

In last place:

——————————————————————————————- 

From: “Voigt Ben” <Beyerl@sobao.com>
To: “Ulbing Stephanie” <eforum@sltnet.lk>
Sent: Tuesday, December 05, 2006 9:43 PM
Subject: Small schlong not big problem anymore!

yo Dude

Don’t tell me why your ramrod is so small,
I will better help you to make it really Bigger!

Why bigger? Because over 72% of all women need a longer
sausage to satisfy their desire!

Go there and get your solution: http://www.phisms.net/

It’ll really help you!

We will ship it worldwide within 24 hours, and if
you find our product useless - we’ll refund all your money!
——————————————————————————————-

That’s 72% remember. And I would have gone for it too, had there not been Man XL …

——————————————————————————————- 

From: “Joy Roman” <ZIOXGYANVHM@hotmail.com>
To: <eforum@sltnet.lk>;
Sent: Sunday, November 19, 2006 5:16 PM
Subject: Get Bigger Pennis

Suffering from short penniss?
Introduce revolution “ManXL” formula which
gauranteees sizes increase or moneey baack.

Users reported:
- 2 inches extra in size
- 3x pleasurable orgasms
- 27% thicker

Why waiting?

http://kalfroutl.com/mxl/

——————————————————————————————-
But then, its claims were called into question by an unscrupulous ManXL colleague Angelina Enriquez, eager as always, to offer more. I saw right through it …

——————————————————————————————-
From: “Angelina Enriquez” <meamtbzqqj@hotmail.com>
To: <eforum@sltnet.lk>
Sent: Monday, November 20, 2006 2:38 AM
Subject: Multiple The Sexual Pleasure

The Only Clinically Tested Penis N-largement Pills that works..

- add 1-4 inches to your peniis
- 20% thicker
- 5x more enjoyable orgasm
- or your monneyy back without question ask!

Join miilliions of delighted users which has been benefited
with “ManXL”.

http://kalfroutl.com/mxl/

——————————————————————————————-
Swines. A big shout goes out to the powerful, dynamic sounding investment executives who tipped me off about lucrative share options about to go stellar:

Carlos Sanford, Sergio Montgomery, Domingo Mcpherson, Adolfo Marcus (Hi, it’s me, Adolfo !), Rosendo Vang, Diego Mccarthy, Gergorio Bragg, Felix Underwood,  Ophelia Trotter and the shadowy, Mr Hendricks.

Peace. Respect brothers and sisters. My capital is all tied up right now. I’ll call.

An investor called Jen sent me a mail with the fantastic title: Octopi Wounded. And someone by the name Practicing Spew: Life Focussed. This, to me highlights the warped, desperate genius of the jobbing Spamtrepreneur.

Alfonzo French, ever the philosopher, once wrote to me on the subject of The Best Way to Cure Myself:

——————————————————————————————-

No hoof, no horse.
In the end, a man’s motives are second to his accomplishments.
You are responsible for you.

——————————————————————————————-
But my favourite by far, from Vera Prescott (presumably not John’s wife) is this:

——————————————————————————————-

From: “Prescott Vera” <zwdjgyiwqyqi@gaynetherlands.nl>
To: <dragon@sltnet.lk>
Cc: <eforum@sltnet.lk>
Sent: Thursday, November 16, 2006 4:34 PM
Subject: beavis1a03

Increased sexual desire - Enhanced libido
Rock hard erections - Erections like steel
Multiple orgasms - Cum again and again
Longer orgasms - The longest most intense orgasms of your life
Ejaculate like a porn star - Stronger ejaculation (watch
where your aiming)
Sweeter tasting sperm - Studies show it improves the flavor

http://exiatexpress.com/

——————————————————————————————-
You can’t not read this with some American, arms dealer or power-tool sales voiceover in mind. This marketer is coked-up into such a sales-frenzy they’ve created a monster without fully realising it. Erections of steel, 15 hour orgasms, “watch where you’re aiming” … danger, High voltage ! Overload … meltdown !!!

What’s even weirder, is that attached to the bottom of a bunch of these mails is a random passage from Mikhail Bulgakov’s ‘The Master and the Margarita’ which I could spot, having not long finished reading it (a fantastic book, if anyone is looking for something for xmas). I’m stumped as to whether this has some occult effect on the workings of spam-filters …

If anyone else has a good one they thought twice about deleting, I’d be glad to read it.